Right so, as there’s been nothing enjoyable about going the games this year, we needed a bit of light-hearted bollocks to spout.
The premise of this hair brained idea was to find out if clubs have more more fans than things they take their nickname from.
There’s a bit of artistic licence, but wherever possible the numbers are about as close we can get them.
We’re not Jonny Ball (ask yer dad) so they may not be exact, and it’s a bit of fun, so calm the fuck down you pedantic pricks.
The fans numbers comes from average attendances over from 2012-2016, added to Facebook likes and Twitter followers, and then those were averaged to make it as fair as possible.
All figures are from before the start of the current season; the other stuff is from the internet – or made up.
(They’re not made up. We just can’t be arsed listing sources, it’s not an essay) .
And before anyone starts, we all know that clubs have more casual and/or transient support than their average attends suggests.
It’s not always the exact same people every week, we all know folk who ask ‘how did we get on?’ after a game and, of course, if any club gets to a final, they alway manage to attract considerably more than their ground’s capacity to either Wembley or Old Trafford.
There are 3,200 tigers in the wild.
None in West Yorkshire, like.
But with our in-depth, scientific research, we reckon there is about 31,060 Cas fans, so more fans than tigers.\
Ave att 7515
Facebook Likes: 54,770
Twitter Followers: 30,896
There are no dragons.
Not a single one.
None, they’re not real.
No matter how much you’ve watched Game of Thrones with your widge out.
But if we’re pushing it, there are about 6000 Komodo Dragons left in the knocking about in Indonesia.
So, as expected, there are 12617 more Catalan Dragons watching rugby than there are dragons, either real or imaginary.
Ave att: 8660
Facebook Likes: 31,900
Twitter Followers: 15,292
Our primary school maths working out shows that there are probably about 13500 Fartowners, considerably more than our initial estimate of 57.
Even if it’s closer to the latter than the former, there are more Huddersfield Giants than real ones as the number of actual giants is nil.
Ave Att: 6307
Facebook Likes: 7,166
Twitter Followers: 27,248
The first of the two Super League teams that dropped Americanised nickname shite so we went with Airlie Birds which, according to wikipedia, is a local approximation of “early bird”. They do talk funny, up there.
Research by genetic research company 23andMe (yes we were that bored) reckons about 75.5% of the population are morning people as opposed or night owls.
If we say that the population of the UK is 65 million, then that would mean that there are just over 49,000,000 Early birds.
So no matter how much Hull fans tell you they are the biggest Rugby League team in the world, there’s not 49 fucking million of them.
Average att: 11641
Facebook Likes: 91,863
Twitter Followers: 41,207
48,237 (46,000 of which somehow managed to fit in the West Stand when they visited the HJ earlier this season.)
This one makes us a bit sad.
Save the Rhino’s lowest estimates say that there are 28,367 rhinoceroses left across the five remaining species – Black, White, Greater One Horned (who fucking knew about that one) Sumatran and Jarvan.
There are way more flappy armed, whinging, trumpet shagging Loiners than there are of the real life horny bastards .
Average att: 15385
Facebook Likes: 167,871
Twitter Followers: 109,630
WE couldn’t find the stats and there’s no way we were going through all of their attendances for 5 years for this shite.
It wouldn’t matter anyway.
A centurian was a bloke in command of 100 Roman soldiers and the Romans are dead so there are officialy zero Centurions.
Even with a piss poor showing on social media, 10,500 is more than none
Facebook Likes: 6,333
Twitter Followers: 14,917
Salford Red Devils
What with religion being bollocks and all, we are tempted to say there have never been any devils, but in the spirit of this waste of everyone’s time, the bible says that Satan and the devil are one and the same and there is one Satan.
Looking at Salford’s recent attendances, this might be our fist close call.
Average att: 4,424
Facebook Likes: 12,927
Twitter Followers: 25,316
Another of the non-nicknamed rebels, this lot had an easy one to pick though.
The criteria that we have loosely placed on this has been things that the things have to be alive and to actually be beatified, you need to be dead so this is another big fat 0.
But there are about 10,000 Catholic saints and, if we go by that, Sintellens’ average has already pipped the Pope’s pals and when you add the social media stuff the lads at the Totally Wicked Stadium outweigh Jesus and his mates by nearly 30,000.
Please forgive us, father, for taking your name in vein.
Average Att: 12235
Facebook Likes: 43,779
Twitter Followers: 59,051
The Trinity bit is from the Holy Trinity Church in Wakefield and, without checking, we reckon that there’s one of those.
But whilst looking into the artists-formally-known as the Wildcats, we found that they used to go by the nickname of the Dreadnaughts, which is cool as fuck.
No one else was named after big fuck off World War I battle ship.
There were 46 made between 1906 and 1917, which is still less than 17-odd thousand, but it’s closer than one would be.
Average att: 5760
Facebook Likes: 22,387
Twitter Followers: 25,315
Scientists reckon there are about 200,000 wolves across the world, even though numbers are sketchy and despite the 185,000 people that claim to have been at Knowsley Road for the 80-0, there are definitely more Wolves than there are, erm, Wires.
Speaking of which, the number of people that make a living in the UK from Wire making are difficult to come by, but thanks to the Tories there are now fewer than 18,000 earning money in the steel industry.
As an aside, the 38,020 that we’ve estimated is probably the amount of people that followed us to Wembley in 2009.
So we’re pretty happy with the maths.
Average att: 10745
Facebook Likes: 44,642
Twitter Followers: 58,674
Vikings were dicking about in Northumbria about 1,000 years ago so the chance of one them still shopping in Ditton is slim.
Cheshire police don’t keep statistics on the number of rapes and pillages that have gone on in Halton recently so we’re going to have to go with there being no Vikings.
Average att: 6297
Facebook Likes: 8,522
Twitter Followers: 24,158
Warriors are defined as brave and experienced soldiers.
Suppose we can look at armed forces as modern day Warriors.
It was either that or comparing it to the only other warriors we could come up with: the 1990’s juiced up bloke from Gladiators or the Ultimate Warrior and he’s dead, so, despite the cuts there are 160,460 regular forces in UK when we take into account the Army, Navy and RAF.
Which is comfortably more than the Wiganers can muster.
Keep voting Tory, though, and that’ll probably change.
Average att:- 14,387
Facebook Likes: 78,207
Twitter Followers: 72,131
So the teams with fewer fans than namesakes are Hull FC, Warrington and Wigan.
Conclusion: Nicknames are Americanised Shite and loads of clubs need to be better on Facebook.
And we need to get a fucking life.
In a bit.